


Unexpected Light

by ReturnToZero



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-31
Updated: 2013-01-31
Packaged: 2017-11-27 15:41:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/663685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReturnToZero/pseuds/ReturnToZero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I picked up my pace, first mutilating my symbol and face before moving onto scratching out him entirely, not caring how the rock grew hot with friction and began to burn my fingers. I moved my arm in hard long stroked, intending to erase him entirely- nothing would be left of him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unexpected Light

**Author's Note:**

  * For [what now](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=what+now).



> I hate this ship so much.
> 
> (It hits home way too hard.)
> 
> But the angst is too irresistible.
> 
> Warnings: Onesided romances, angst, etc.

I wondered why I couldn't love him. 

It had been so perfect before, but now I wasn't so sure anymore. I understood my loyalty to him, and his devotion to me, and I had found the world beautiful in his arms. I was beautiful in his arms. He never failed in making me feel good, making me feel loved and wanted. He had been the perfect. He had chosen me even over the blood-pump-throb Rufioh...

I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to think that our love could have faded so fast, evanescent in my hands as he coddles me and showered me with love. Sometimes I could really feel it and show him-but sometimes I couldn't. Sometimes it was nice and sometimes it was annoying.

I slept in his arms hoping that I would wake up in a beautiful place...

Silence. 

I couldn't hear him laugh, or hear his praises, ALL I COULD HEAR WAS HIS SCREAMING ECHOING IN MY EARS-

He shut his mouth after I screamed. 

I didn't make any real intelligible noise(nor did I really know how I sounded like) but I felt it vibrate in my throat, every bit of anger and malice against him-agony pulsed through the vibrations as I began to sob-there was a wetness sliding out of my ears and onto my neck, I touched the warm liquid and found it to be my blood. 

I continued to roar, tears slipping as my lungs burned and contracted for more air-I would not stop. He held me and sobbed, but I couldn't hear him, only his purple tears and racking chest gave away any remorse. His face crunched up in apology, he looked like someone broke all his bones. 

I didn't care.

I wanted him to know how much I was hurting, I tried to speak, I hoped I had said, “I want you to shut up, I can't even fucking hear you! I can't hear you-you made me this way!” He covered his mouth and shook his head, trying to quiet his anguish, I could see him fading within his guilt. I wondered how I could do such a thing, rebuff my own matesprit into such guilt. Another part of me was relieved, I didn't have to try so hard-I had a reason now to leave. It was a horrible feeling, leading him on, pretending to be the miracle that he had praised the messiahs for.

I found his days later, an ever-present smile on his face and his lips stitched up cleanly in 6 black lines. He had the face of a skull but I couldn't help but laugh-If he tried a little harder he could have been, nevermind. His lips pulled at the strings straining against them as he smiled wider and convulsed with unheard giggles-most likely muffled by his lips. I never wanted to kiss him again, he would be so disappointed, especially since he was always the one doing all the work.

He attempted to hug me but I moved away, mostly out of reflex and he sagged, frowning and his eyes glimmering with light purple rivers. I sighed and shook my head-no more. No more facade, no more leading on, I would stop all this.

He continued to try, hugging me and making a pathetic face; I would have none of it. He forced himself on me, crushing me withing his arms and rocking me, pressing his face into my hair and nuzzling me. It was still beautiful-the world, but I hadn't really seen it in myself anymore. It was delightful to know he was still very much devoted, but what about me?

What was wrong with me?

I squirmed out of his grasp, running away as far as I could, going back to my hive and heading straight to my shipping wall. What once had provided me much squeals and happiness only brought me regret and painful memories. This love had gone stale-my old ships had no meaning anymore. I had shipped myself and him in the heart quadrant but now I knew we had moved out of it-I had moved out of it.

Through my tears I yelled again, feeling my voice hit the walls and bounce off pleasingly-I was anew. I clawed and rubbed at the paint, but noting occurred as it had been left alone for many sweeps, making an indelible mark on the wall. I cried out and grabbed a nearby rock, scratching and banging against it.

I wanted him to go away!

I wanted to be okay again!

I wanted to be able to feel the miracle of love!

I found my sudden burst of energy leaving me, the intense weight of my emotions weighing me down, I never knew switching quadrants would be so draining...

For a while I laid on the ground, my skirt was bunched around my thighs as the wind drifted past my exposed legs, making my skirt billow slightly despite being weighed down. I saw a shadow pass by the entrance of my cave, but return back into the blackness-I tried to listen to their footsteps, I knew how everyone's walking pattern had been since I was a huntress...

How could a huntress be deaf? I felt tears burn through my eye sockets, I felt the cold sink into the rivers left behind on my face, a numb flush spreading on my face. Usually Kurloz would stay here and keep me warm-he was never any good at it since he was a highblood and thus naturally cold, but I didn't mind. His gesture alone was comforting and I would learn how to bite through the weather and enjoy myself with him.

I got up and grabbed a blanket to assist me, grabbing the rock again and glancing at my ships- my ship was still there. I growled (or at least I hoped) and continued to scrape away at the rock, using my voice to rip through the cave, somehow hoping it would help me peel the paint. 

I picked up my pace, first mutilating my symbol and face before moving onto scratching out him entirely, not caring how the rock grew hot with friction and began to burn my fingers. I moved my arm in hard long stroked, intending to erase him entirely- nothing would be left of him. 

Soon small sparks flew from my work and caught onto my blanket, settling it aflame and I felt the fire nipping at my shoulders. I instantly threw it, turning to see where it had landed and found an unexpected light in the cave. It burned bright and made me warm, as long as I didn't get too close I was fine. I was warm-I felt good, I was happy at the source of light. Kurloz had definitely lightened up my life, but I didn't want to be close to him-didn't want to be his girlfriend. My love had died out long ago-and the flame began to wither and shrink, I scrambled to find something to feed it. 

I saw my old shipping book, I knew the papers would definitely be able to keep me warm for the rest of the night. I smiled at the pictures and stories, they had been true-for a while. But now all they were just...fanfiction. A strange relief came as I began to feed the fire, watching my old hopes and wished burn in the orange light. I couldn't decide if I was glad or disappointed by them being true; I glanced over to find a figure huddled by the entrance, hidden by rocks and brush.'

“Caume...joun mee.” I cried again and motioned, trying to get another in my life. The figure refused to move and I sighed, looking back at the wall, all that was left of Kurloz was black and white smudges, his figure forever lost in the lack of lines. He was just a stain now, and I didn't mind. 

I stayed quiet, thinking more and more-I still loved him in reality. I always did. But it was always hard to say those words, to try to say them how he said them. I continued to stare into the light, I wanted to find the truth withing it's embers. I came to the last picture, noticing it was much different than the others.

“Furr..iends.” I laughed and smiled, joy filling every expanse of my being-miracles!

Miracles had happened at the mere vibrations of the word, and I laughed harder, “Furrrr-iends!”

I kept it close, finding a blank book and ripping it from it's original place to put it in the new one, it would find happiness in the blank pages. I would find happiness in the blank pages. I would be able to feel miracles with him still-I wouldn't feel like this was all entirely wrong!

My eyes grew heavy and I continued to watch the dancing oranges and yellows, amazed at the reds that would sometimes flicker off into nothing-

I curled up by the fire, making my throat sing with the rumble of my chords, unable to stave off the miracle of sleep. I soon fell into blankness, my eyes closed but my mind leaving me with the images of burning. Soon a softness enveloped me and I cuddled into it, unaware of the loving hands that had gifted me with such a miracle. 

I tried to open my eyes and find the invader and wasn't able to wake myself fast enough, it was already morning when I did so.

I looked around and found the fire long gone, only cold in it's wake. A log had been added and I sighed, the noise would have alerted me but alas I would never be able to hear them-

I glanced over to my wall, noticing the spades had been adjusted, only Kurloz's symbol was left and Rufioh's had been scratched out, I was afraid that he had seen this and reacted in anger-he was always better with black-roms anyways-

I ran to his hive, knocking on the door, waiting nervously. He soon after answered, rubbing his eyes and beaming at me, taking me into his arms again. I laughed and when he dove in for a kiss my mood soured, I pushed his face away. He frowned and stopped, getting my message and wanting to speak. I laughed at him and grabbed a notepad for him.

_Are you okay?_

“No...I dun't want to be yours.”

_My matesprit? I'm sorry kitty, I love you._

“I dun't lauve you. I'm sourry.”

_Please don't do this to me. I'm sorry, I promise to make you feel better-I promise to make it up to you, just please by the mirthful messiahs don't leave me._

I shook my head, “I want to be furriends still, but I can't love you the way you love me. I weesh I could, but I can't. Please furrgive me fuurr duin this.”

_Okay. Friends it is. I'm still very sorry though. For doing this to you._

I hugged him and he hugged back, dropping the pen and paper, and nuzzling me-I tried to keep this as tame as possible, “I know. I furrgive you Kurly, but we just have to stay furriendss.”

He simply nodded and swayed with me, we stayed like that for a short while before I finally pulled away, he was too cold. I invited him outside and he nodded, running outside and feeling the warm air fill my pores, I loved the outdoors. Kurloz wasn't faring as well but he continued to follow, his eyes drifting over to the forests where the lost weeaboos resided.

My head felt foggy and before I knew it I was back in my hive. I couldn't recall where the day had gone but I assumed that I fainted and was taken back home (most likely by Kurloz since he was such a sweet troll.) I started another fire, loving the warmth coming off but finding my wall changed again, Kurloz was back on my heart quadrant, but the spades still had his sign. I was confused, instead deciding that someone had preferred my old ships over the new empty ones. 

I didn't know who else could possibly be in my new ships but maybe I didn't need romance. I should have focused on my friends and made them happy since I would find happiness through them. I smudged off Kurloz easily since the paint was relatively fresh, and began to try to find him a compatible matesprit.

I soon found my matchmaking to be difficult since most had already gone off with there respective ships but soon I came to the conclusion that Kurloz would most likely be compatible with Rufioh. I set off to work and began filling my pages with the new lovely ship, finding myself overjoyed at the beautiful love they would eventually find.

I never was able to take off the Capricorn symbol, finding myself frustrated at finding it renewed everyday.

I began to search for who was the culprit, knowing that Kurloz would do no such thing. He had surprisingly been okay with the break-up, I knew we were too awesome as friends. I found the question continue to rise every night, and soon it became an issue-why was this so important? I couldn't ever hate Kurloz, my initial outburst might have been violent but never anything black...

Then again I never understood black romances. I never really had one nor did I really understand how hate could have resulted in a pailing. It was such a foreign idea that I soon avoided it all together, and the constant re-applications of the purple symbol made it so that I would never forget.

I would never forget him, how I tried but how I kept letting him down. How we never got as far as he wanted to, but he wanted me to be ready. How I was never ready-no matter how much preparation there was. How I could never really love him as much as he loved me. 

I would always remember the unexpected light, and the love knocking at my door. 

He hated me, but he also liked me. 

Kurloz was clearly confused but I knew with time his lingering red feels would stale and shrivel up into black feels. There had been love at my door-but I never was able to answer it. What was wrong with me? I should have returned to him, asked for forgiveness and re-entered our matesprit-ship. What exactly was wrong with me?

I knew that he would grow to hate me-but I wondered what exactly was I waiting for. Was I waiting for his first strike, or for him to spit out hurtful words? Would I ever be able to love him? Would this turn out more successful? Would he lead me and help me learn how to hate him too?

I loved his smile. Loved the way his chest bounced in a silent laugh. I loved how he was always so nice, so kind and gentle. I loved how we had a language all our own, where no one else could communicate with us. I loved how we still shipped our friends and how he would turn to Rufioh and stare from afar.

I looked back into the flames, but this time there was no comfort. I wrapped myself in the blanket and closed my eyes. I focused on my chest, how every breath made me uncomfortable. How the soot and ash of the fire lightly filled my nostrils and overpowered my nose. I felt the warmth taken from me, only a cold fire left, I tried to open my eyes, I needed to see-

My blanket was pulled off of me and I rolled, my lower back stung with pain as I had moved onto a sharp rock, my eyes shot open and I only caught the running figure in the darkness-they had stolen my blanket and absconded, but by the flash of black and white I knew already who it was.

I sighed and waited till he was gone, waiting in my silence for any sign of his return. 

Soon I grew tired again-but I knew this was just the beginning.

He would hate me, and I wouldn't be able to hate him the same way...


End file.
